Anxiety Triggers

I don't remember when was the last time I felt like I never feared anything. It was been ages since I always fear situations, events, things, etc. I could no longer keep track of. Living with anxiety does not only limit your life but also narrow what you could do. When I was growing up, I could not pin point what was wrong with me. There was a certain summer when we're out of school for two months. I wasn't the typical kid who always wants to be outside the house. I would rather stay inside and play with my paper dolls. Yes! I had bunches of paper dolls. My parents could not afford buying me the real ones - my favorite - BARBIE DOLLS! I would be contented staying in my room making dresses and playing with them.

Anyway, I think that was one of the major causes why I started being anxious. I would stay in the house for more than a week and did not bother going out and play with the kids my age. I did not get much exercise. Aside from playing with my dolls, I would help my mom worked in the kitchen and just watched TV. It went on for weeks. When I went out for the first time, I was so surprised I could not walk properly. I felt like my feet were wobbly. They were trembling! I also started feeling an upset stomach standing for awhile. I could stand in front of a lot of people. I was very uneasy in public. My first reaction was I might be just hungry so I will rush home and eat. After eating, the wobbly feeling will improve but as the days passed, I felt worse and would always need to eat. I feared leaving the house because I was afraid feeling very weak when I was outside without food. I could not even sleep at night. I thought I was just anemic. I would take Iron Supplement everyday hoping it will cure the problem. It did not help. I was scared of taking a shower either. I would request mom to give me bread before going to the bathroom. I felt comfortable having food with me in case I feel like passing out. That was really weird. Mom scolded for doing it. She did not understand what was going on with me either. There were many times, I would feel my heart beat like a drum. I felt so spacey and that scared me more. My parents will calm me down with no avail because I would keep jumping to ease what I feel at the moment. I really thought there were bad things going on in my head. I thought it won't be cured.

One day, one of my cousins forced me to go with her somewhere. I was reluctant but went anyway. It was so hard dealing with the feelings: wobbling knees, fast beating heart, shortening of breath etc. I made it! I was so glad I felt better and thought it won't come back again. For years, I never felt anything strange although there were times I would feel extremely scared which I often regard as reaction to a certain scary situation. During my fourth year in college, I was so stressed out of everything in school and family.

One afternoon, I went home from my boarding to my town. It was like 1 hour and 1/2 travel by bus. All of the sudden, I felt so weird. I was so scared to death. I looked at the people around me on the bus and they all looked calm. I wasn't. I took a sip from my bottled water hoping the fear will go away. It did a little but not totally. When I arrived home, I realized I was starving. So I concluded the fear might be the hunger I felt while traveling. After few days, I was waiting on the bus and I was so scared to death riding on one. The speed terrified me. I could not understand why I was feeling so nervous just by the thought of riding the bus. It went on and on for months. Going to school, waiting in line, attending a meeting, and riding buses terrified me. I thought I won't be able to finish college. I always wanted to be in my room and not bothered going out. I would cry in the middle of the night when I suddenly woke up and could not go back to sleep. When I watch TV and saw crying scenes in one of the soap operas, I could not handle it. I would gasp of air because I was holding my breath. I could not watch news with crimes nor listen to the radio. I avoided those things. My favorite past time is reading and the feeling of uneasiness affected it especially reading thrilling scenes. All I could say was extreme emotions scared me like hell.

 Two years after, it got worst than ever. For a month, I could sleep at all. I was at the hospital twice. They could not find anything wrong about me. My blood pressure will spike up every time they check it. The doctor prescribed me Valium and a heart med to regulate my heart beat. I would wake somebody up in the middle of the night just to talk to me. I felt lightheaded and dizzy everyday. I did not know what to do. I thought I was going crazy. I started reading online to know what was going on about me. The following were the ones I discovered:

 1. Speed and Loud Noise. For the span of four years, I don't go on trips riding buses or any fast vehicles I could not control. If I have to travel longer, I would let my brother drive me riding my motorcycle so I could tell him to slow down. I hate not being in control of everything especially driving. I could not handle speed and the sound coming from the outside of the vehicle. I remembered I stood up in front of the passengers asking the driver to stop because I was so scared.

 2. Hearing Somebody is Sick or Died. This is the greatest fear even now. Every time I hear somebody died that I knew of, I would be anxious for few days. I would start thinking why do they have to die? If the cause of their death is a sickness, I would keep obsessing and check myself of any symptoms. One time, one of my friends died because of a kidney failure, I kept reading about it and will check myself of any symptoms and if I notice a similar one, I will stress myself thinking about it over and over again.

 3. Waiting in Line. I can't stand going to a grocery store and have to wait in line. I will be so anxious standing in front of of other people. I would feel like running.

 4. Going to Offices. We have a small computer shop back home and few times in a month, I need to go to the city hall and pay my taxes. Every time I do that, I would just scare myself.

 5. Teaching in Front of my Students. I used to teach high school back in the Philippines. Sometimes, when I get excited to impart new ideas to myself students I get so anxious and will run out of breath. 

6. Losing Patience and Getting Angry. Before, I could control my temper but when I started having anxiety, being mad and losing patience is to the extreme level.