Which is Which in Love?

Have you ever been in a crossroad under a heavy rain? You're confused which way to go. If you'll stay standing in the middle, you'll get soaked and never ever find a place to settle and be warm. If you decide quickly, you might choose the wrong way to find a better place. Which is which? In reality, I find love to be like that too.

 There comes a time in our lives that we are torn between following the heart or the mind. There are plenty of people who chose the wrong decision for the right reason and chose right decision for the wrong reason. Pretty confusing right? 

What is really the basis of choosing the best true love? Is it the tingling feeling you feel when the person is around? Is it the fast beating of the heart that rates how you love the person? Is it the times you daydream of that person? Is it the butterflies in the stomach that measures how deeply in love you are? How can love be measured? Is it how deep you fall? Is it really true that we fell in love? 

A lot of people ask these questions. But how do we know we love the person? They say you will realize you really love the person when he or she is no longer part of your life. Sometimes, love can be mistaken to infatuation. 

How will you recognize it's already a true love? Is it when you are comfortable being with that person even without the fast beat of your heart? Is it when you imagine yourself with that person years from now? Is it the security you feel even they are not around? Is it when you put down your defenses to them? Is it when you don't set your boundaries after meeting them? Is it when you are more appreciative than ever before? Is it when you just love their flaws? Is it when you still love regardless of what people will say around you? 

It's quite hard to answer these things because each person has unique experiences in love. No one can ever tell for they were created uniquely. Only God knows. Nevertheless, when love strikes in one's life, it will definitely change the world.

Anxiety Triggers

I don't remember when was the last time I felt like I never feared anything. It was been ages since I always fear situations, events, things, etc. I could no longer keep track of. Living with anxiety does not only limit your life but also narrow what you could do. When I was growing up, I could not pin point what was wrong with me. There was a certain summer when we're out of school for two months. I wasn't the typical kid who always wants to be outside the house. I would rather stay inside and play with my paper dolls. Yes! I had bunches of paper dolls. My parents could not afford buying me the real ones - my favorite - BARBIE DOLLS! I would be contented staying in my room making dresses and playing with them.

Anyway, I think that was one of the major causes why I started being anxious. I would stay in the house for more than a week and did not bother going out and play with the kids my age. I did not get much exercise. Aside from playing with my dolls, I would help my mom worked in the kitchen and just watched TV. It went on for weeks. When I went out for the first time, I was so surprised I could not walk properly. I felt like my feet were wobbly. They were trembling! I also started feeling an upset stomach standing for awhile. I could stand in front of a lot of people. I was very uneasy in public. My first reaction was I might be just hungry so I will rush home and eat. After eating, the wobbly feeling will improve but as the days passed, I felt worse and would always need to eat. I feared leaving the house because I was afraid feeling very weak when I was outside without food. I could not even sleep at night. I thought I was just anemic. I would take Iron Supplement everyday hoping it will cure the problem. It did not help. I was scared of taking a shower either. I would request mom to give me bread before going to the bathroom. I felt comfortable having food with me in case I feel like passing out. That was really weird. Mom scolded for doing it. She did not understand what was going on with me either. There were many times, I would feel my heart beat like a drum. I felt so spacey and that scared me more. My parents will calm me down with no avail because I would keep jumping to ease what I feel at the moment. I really thought there were bad things going on in my head. I thought it won't be cured.

One day, one of my cousins forced me to go with her somewhere. I was reluctant but went anyway. It was so hard dealing with the feelings: wobbling knees, fast beating heart, shortening of breath etc. I made it! I was so glad I felt better and thought it won't come back again. For years, I never felt anything strange although there were times I would feel extremely scared which I often regard as reaction to a certain scary situation. During my fourth year in college, I was so stressed out of everything in school and family.

One afternoon, I went home from my boarding to my town. It was like 1 hour and 1/2 travel by bus. All of the sudden, I felt so weird. I was so scared to death. I looked at the people around me on the bus and they all looked calm. I wasn't. I took a sip from my bottled water hoping the fear will go away. It did a little but not totally. When I arrived home, I realized I was starving. So I concluded the fear might be the hunger I felt while traveling. After few days, I was waiting on the bus and I was so scared to death riding on one. The speed terrified me. I could not understand why I was feeling so nervous just by the thought of riding the bus. It went on and on for months. Going to school, waiting in line, attending a meeting, and riding buses terrified me. I thought I won't be able to finish college. I always wanted to be in my room and not bothered going out. I would cry in the middle of the night when I suddenly woke up and could not go back to sleep. When I watch TV and saw crying scenes in one of the soap operas, I could not handle it. I would gasp of air because I was holding my breath. I could not watch news with crimes nor listen to the radio. I avoided those things. My favorite past time is reading and the feeling of uneasiness affected it especially reading thrilling scenes. All I could say was extreme emotions scared me like hell.

 Two years after, it got worst than ever. For a month, I could sleep at all. I was at the hospital twice. They could not find anything wrong about me. My blood pressure will spike up every time they check it. The doctor prescribed me Valium and a heart med to regulate my heart beat. I would wake somebody up in the middle of the night just to talk to me. I felt lightheaded and dizzy everyday. I did not know what to do. I thought I was going crazy. I started reading online to know what was going on about me. The following were the ones I discovered:

 1. Speed and Loud Noise. For the span of four years, I don't go on trips riding buses or any fast vehicles I could not control. If I have to travel longer, I would let my brother drive me riding my motorcycle so I could tell him to slow down. I hate not being in control of everything especially driving. I could not handle speed and the sound coming from the outside of the vehicle. I remembered I stood up in front of the passengers asking the driver to stop because I was so scared.

 2. Hearing Somebody is Sick or Died. This is the greatest fear even now. Every time I hear somebody died that I knew of, I would be anxious for few days. I would start thinking why do they have to die? If the cause of their death is a sickness, I would keep obsessing and check myself of any symptoms. One time, one of my friends died because of a kidney failure, I kept reading about it and will check myself of any symptoms and if I notice a similar one, I will stress myself thinking about it over and over again.

 3. Waiting in Line. I can't stand going to a grocery store and have to wait in line. I will be so anxious standing in front of of other people. I would feel like running.

 4. Going to Offices. We have a small computer shop back home and few times in a month, I need to go to the city hall and pay my taxes. Every time I do that, I would just scare myself.

 5. Teaching in Front of my Students. I used to teach high school back in the Philippines. Sometimes, when I get excited to impart new ideas to myself students I get so anxious and will run out of breath. 

6. Losing Patience and Getting Angry. Before, I could control my temper but when I started having anxiety, being mad and losing patience is to the extreme level.